Tuesday, December 14, 2010

11 Days Until Christmas...

It's eleven days until Christmas and the dread of another holiday rolling around has escaped me this year. Maybe it's because I'm getting married next year so I feel like there are so many adventures ahead of me. Turning 30 next year seems to most like the end to youth, the day you stare at yourself in the mirror and accept that you're not a kid anymore.

But the truth is...I'm never going to do that and have seriously promised myself to always be a kid at heart. I'm always going to crack jokes and act silly. I'm never going to stop going on swings at the park or doing crazy dances when a song comes on. And when I have a family of my own, we're going to do Conga lines throughout the entire house and regularly have game nights.

My mom said a great thing a couple of weeks ago that has somehow stuck with me. She said, "If you live, you get old." She was referring mostly to wrinkles and the changes our bodies go through but instead of viewing this in a dark light, I see it as a gift.

To know that I have five more continents to visit,
Millions of landscapes and sunsets to get lost in,
Anniversaries to celebrate with my husband-to-be,
Years of Christmases to spend with my family and one day my children,
Hours of dancing and singing at the top of my lungs when no one is around,
Billions of words just waiting for me to discover in books,
Hugs from my mother and father to be embraced in,
Lots of songs and music to write...
This fuels me and shows me that I've just begun to live.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

This is where I want to dwell...

In this twilight, I feel alive.
I feel magnificent as though I belong somewhere in the sky.
I'm hanging onto the moon, can you see me?
That little cloud over there is my home.
I always think that when I am reborn,
This is where I'll dwell.
Gazing down at earth
I'm somewhere in the light...
Cosmic
Stellar
Infinite

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Everyday...




I begin again

I try harder

I think smarter

I love deeper

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Woman Cave

The Woman Cave - Brian called my new and improved office space for writing, thinking, contemplating, dreaming... After a year or two of getting into the habit of writing on the couch at the coffee table with the TV on, I decided to go back to my desk. The only sucky part was that once upon a time when I was still living at home and in college, I'd always written poems or sayings and hung them on walls for inspiration but there was nothing there. Since my trusty crayons and magic markers were tucked away, I used the white screen in front of me to print my own little inspirational sayings and cut them out to pin to my bulletin board. Here are a few:

SING or DIE

Guitar players are sexy...well, Brian is.

i like to write.

The beauty of the world lies in our hearts


When Brian came home after his basketball game, I excitedly showed him how I revamped my little area and he called it The Woman Cave. This brought a wild rush to my heart and a giddiness I can't believe I'm revealing. I get excited with new possibilities - knowing that there is a little space where I can disappear into my own thoughts and create my own worlds.

Does it help that it's right by the kitchen? Mmmmm....chocolate.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Betrothed










I was drawn to the water and so I walked towards it to see what was there.
An image of black hair with brown eyes I expected to find but I saw his face instead.
And in my eyes, I saw his own and I knew that we were one.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Undo Me

Trying to "undo me" is a difficult task. Realizing that I am my worst critic, I've pledged to stop beating myself up over myself. I always think I'll never be the best at something - that I don't have enough of what it takes. Or that my future is a black hole of nothingness that I have found myself falling into for twenty-nine years.

This realization - though it's not something new that has popped into my brain - but the commitment to changing it is new - was brought about when I was enjoying a meal at Daphne's reading Eat, Pray, Love. There were a lot of things the main character was realizing about herself, especially in India, which is the part I was reading at that moment. It was then I understood that in order to have peace - in order to stop worrying about the stupid stuff - I will have to make a conscientious effort to "undo me".

I think to step out of one's self is something everyone should do more than once in their lifetime. Maybe even twice, three times, okay eight. See your soul - not your shell. See the beauty of one's heart. Not the twisted labels that society, family, friends or the world put on us but t
he essence of who we are and the love that breathes inside our souls. It might not be about you not being perfect but that the world is an imperfect place. Maybe its not about trying to put the square peg in the round circle but trying to put a round circle around the square peg and recognizing this impossibility. I don't know if this makes any sense, I could be rambling but I hope you get my geometry.

All I know is that I am loved, I feel love and am very much in love.

In this life, in my life - why worry about more?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Lately...


I'm been watching the series "Rome" at my mom's suggestion and I love it.

I started working on my album again and have almost completed one song.



My right knee has been hurting from driving in traffic repeatedly. Ibuprofen has become my best friend.

I have trying very hard to focus on the present moment but find my mind wondering in what was and what will be.

I've decided to rearrange my priorities and instead of adjusting to my environment, I must adjust my environment to me.

I've decided the best sandwiches are from Il Trammezino in Encino.
I will enroll into a painting class and finally delve into that part of my brain that I've been meaning to for awhile.

Pandora has introduced me to the artists: Lamb, Bitter:sweet and Thievery Corporation.

The daylight (especially around 7pm) fuels me with a passion to watch the sun marry the horizon.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Until I wake up...


Was it a dream…those days when bliss was effortless?
The golden embers of the sun baked my face and every day glowed.
In those days, time had not the effect of devastation it has today.
My aim was to be quiet in its moment, write among the fields for hours.
Now I am encased.
Now you have me but you cannot "keep" me.
You cannot enclose a storm.
You cannot contain a hurricane.
The burning in my soul will erupt and when it does,
I will unleash a fury that knows no boundaries and has no cage.
Endless trees and rolling hills will replace white halls.
The chirping of birds and the footprints of the sun will become my clocks.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Waiting For Freedom


I am always worried that I am forgotten and never expect recognition. I believe it’s because on various occasions growing up, I have actually…been forgotten. But when I am singing, playing or writing, I do not feel forgotten – even when there’s only one person listening or reading. I feel very much alive and I know everyone is aware of my presence. After the performance, I go back to being a hermit crab that conforms and lives within societal guidelines. I am waiting for the day when I can shout freely and smile frequently and forget about those who have forgotten me. I am waiting for that day when the chains break and I can be who I am at all times of the day. I am waiting for freedom.