The Second Father's Day
Happy Father's Day Daddy!
In honor of this day, I'll share my latest entry in the journal I write to you in:
My second Father's Day without you here in human form. I get sad sometimes but then I am grateful and thankful of the love that connects us. To know a father's love, to know your love is immeasurable. I am one of the lucky ones to have been raised by two people.
My mom said I got my honesty from you and while I can't 100% say that I have never told a lie, it is hard for me to. It's also hard for me to hold in what I am feeling. Even if it's not in conversation, it is in my art, my songs, my writing or my voice. These gifts that are bestowed upon me---the inquisitiveness, the yearn to travel, to read, to learn--I feel that I am connected to you. I feel our bond.
I feel guilt sometimes. I wish I could have been there--been closer. But I know if I had died, you would be feeling the same. We chose our paths but our love remains inseparable always.
I hope you are free, laughing and the secrets of this world are just a minuscule portion of the universe you reside in. You were always intelligent but now you are beyond intelligence. The wall that separates life and death has fallen and what you see is the circle--the connection between events--the space time continuum--where all exists at once. We are born, we live and death is an illusion. Your "selves" have conversed and between them, there is a mutual understanding that you are eager to share with the us when we make our transitions.
I sometimes get lost in the everyday and I think people forget that while I've got two ears listening, my heart is broken and still very much still healing. It's a lonely state to be in but it's also one that keeps things in perspective. I miss you, my beloved Daddy, Papa Bear, text buddy, Battleship opponent and lecturer. It's a constant thing that will never diminish.
I do try to remember that you want me to be happy--to laugh, to smile and to make my dreams manifest.
Everything that will come
You will be there
In my bones
Where you live now
Fabulous, you’ll never forget, but you’re moving from the “my pain” to his pain. Seeing what he would want for you in your place, happiness more often than sadness.ReplyDelete